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I open up my Bible to Luke 18, where Jesus tells his disciples the parable of the persistent widow. I’ve read this scripture a hundred times by now, but today it hits me differently. My tears fall on the page and I quickly put the book down. I look up towards the sky and close my eyes.

“I know you always hear me, Lord. I know you always have me right in the palm of your hand. But I’m so scared God. I feel like I’m failing – failing at my job, failing at being a spouse, failing at being a writer, failing at being a faithful follower of your Son. They say practice what you preach. I talk to strangers about how you changed my entire life and then I go home, close the door behind me and doubt. I doubt, Yahweh. I doubt that things will be okay. And then I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror as the tears rush down my flushed face and I ask for your forgiveness because I feel like I have failed you.”

It’s a viscous cycle of guilt chasing faith.

I curse the tears and Christ walks over to me. He gently puts his arms around me and reminds me it’s okay to cry. It’s because there’s depth to my emotions, not because I am weak. He takes my hand as we sit by the water and lets me cry. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I say to him. “Look how far your faith has gotten you,” he reminds me. I look around as my dog licks at my tears and take in all that we have. A beautiful home, food, clothes, things upon things upon things. A rich, glorious life that I often take for granted while looking two months down the line.

I pick up my Bible again. Matthew 6 is what I open to next, where Christ teaches about money and worry – two things I have come to know all too well. I think back to last week, when twice I was behind cars with licenses plates that bore scripture verses. “Matt 6:26” the first read. It goes: “Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns. For your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?” Three days later, the next plate reads “Jer 31:3.” It goes, “Long ago the Lord said to Israel: ‘I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love, I have drawn you to myself.”

Here’s the God’s honest truth: Faith has this way of carrying us through treacherous mountains and deep, hideously dark valleys. All we have to do is look at how far we’ve come, and realize that today’s struggles are tomorrow’s stories of growth. If faith does absolutely nothing else, at the very least it reminds us that we are nothing without Yahweh.

__________

I wrote the first part of this column three months ago. I was having a pretty bad day and more often than not, writing out my thoughts helps me un-spiral. I didn’t know how to end this piece, so I left it for another day – a day where I could look back and see just how much I’ve grown.

So much has transpired since that day, but one thing in particular has changed my life 10-fold: I learned how to let Yahweh handle it. Handle everything. I finally let go of the fear of failing and allowed Christ to catch me if and when I fell. I put my trust in the one who had been asking me for years to let Him take on the fears, the doubts, the stress – everything. I finally gave in, and I have been a thousand times happier ever since.

There is one other thing which the past three months have allowed me to see so much clearer: No one is unworthy of Yahweh’s love. No matter what you’ve done, no matter how much doubt has grown within you, no matter how hard you’ve pushed away from Him, He still loves you. And there’s always a place for you in His Kingdom. You are so incredibly loved, and I hope you feel that love today. From my heart to yours.

Danielle Puleo is a staff writer with The Coastland Times. Reach her at danielle.puleo@thecoastlandtimes.com.

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